august to december

Memories tasting stale on my tongue
Fall from my lips like a scripted monologue
What was so new, quickly becomes old
Once spilling out of the raw depths of the soul
Now spoken in lines like an actor playing his role

Your words were once hard to swallow
But they don’t compare to your silence I now try to digest
Hollow,
Empty is the friendship we had
For months I believed the disguise
A delicate structure on a foundation of lies
Told so sweetly by chocolate eyes
Exhausting my heart from its futile tries
Idealize
Forgetting how to prioritize
Never considering the predictable goodbye
Realize
Now, what a waste
What a waste
Adapting to the bitter taste
Photographs of your face
Conversations deleted, erased
Any clue, every trace
That might cause the heart to remember
To remember its existence from August to December

It would have been a convenient end
How easily you are able to un-love a friend
How easy it would have been to avoid meeting again
Except we did
Against all odds, in your russet bronze world
Making me uneasy in my porcelain skin
Feeling foolish, wishing it had never been
Despising your presence
Feeling trapped
Wondering how I let you have control
Pretending not to feel alone
Missing my safe and familiar home
Not letting any of this show
Hating myself for wearing my heart on my sleeve
Even when it’s broken
Even when I can’t breathe

But today is new and hatred never lasts
We live and we learn and we sometimes look back
For tomorrow we hope,
In today we laugh
And we certainly grow stronger and wiser from our past.

hmm

i leave for honduras in 6 days with my school group of about 25 people. yes, it is a big group and traveling around san pedro sula, honduras should be interesting with so many. i am excited about this trip but it is a bit of an anxious excited. i don't know what to expect. i am going to a familiar place but with an unfamiliar group and with unfamiliar activities. maybe the correct word for my feeling of anticipation is bittersweet? ...well to that affect anyway. besides, i am supposed to pack and plan for this trip in the midst of finishing up the semester and doing well on my final exams. it's hard to concentrate.

our tentative plan is to spend time with impoverished families who live along one of the rivers. we will distribute hygiene bags to them and hopefully play with the kids. then we will be spending time at the deaf center playing with the children there. i think some of our group is preparing a drama to perform for them. i hope the lack of communication with the kids won't be too frustrating while we're there. we also will be visiting another orphanage called "hogar esperanza" (hope house) with about 14 kids who have been taken out of abusive home situations to live with and be spiritually trained by a missionary named angie. i've met angie a few times before on my trips to san pedro sula. our group has gotten some christmas gifts together to give those kids when we visit them. :)

we also will be visiting a tropical beach on our free day! i've never been to a honduran beach and i am so excited about that. :D it will be nice to have a break from the frigid weather here.

well i have an extremely busy weekend ahead of me (or that i am in the middle of) so i must go and take care of business!

saddest words

i used to always quote john greenleaf whittier by saying:

"for all sad words of thought or pen, the saddest are these: 'it might have been.'"

now i say:

"for all sad words of thought or pen, the saddest are these: 'he was a loser who never deserved her heart anyway.'"

now that is some prose i can believe...